Until I'm through

this is the way you left me

i’m not pretending…

& so i’ve become your client. might just have caused things to be more complicated/difficult than it already is.

i never know.

but i now feel greater resistance letting you know my thoughts. about all these..

well some day you must know. 

somehow wondered if i was one of those people you can’t bear to leave when you fly off next month. 

two years ago

you broke up with me,

exactly two years ago.

It didn’t kill me; It made me stronger.

& I’m done… and ready for better things to come.

for good

Thank goodness it came. I guess I will not have to break the news to you anymore. And I guess everything seems fine between us now, is it?

I’m just your client, just your client… 

“So much of me is made from what I learnt from you. You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end, I know you’ve re-written mine by being my friend.”

Fear, not just a four letter word

period’s late. nausea. and i’m getting really scared….

to the point i’m reading up on where to get help should the unthinkable happen.

And should it happen, you must know it’s you…

always, & only have been you.

You asked those questions which made me feel like breaking down today. You’re happy for me? really?

I cannot help but wonder, what would I do if i had to go through it? what would you do? Will you be there for me? I have never been more afraid in my life.

Harder than you think

Somehow I just had the feeling (yes, gut feeling) that what you said that Thursday night… meant something more. 

I’m kind-hearted. I didn’t mean to rob you. I’m kind-hearted, all along.

Isn’t me letting (us) go what you wanted all the while? I have been trying for the past 2 years. And just when I finally think I can make it, 

but I might very well be thinking too much. z

A very long (last) post.

24th May 2012: I realise i’m clueless as to how to cheer you up… nonetheless thank you for spending your precious off day with me..for it made me come to my senses, on many aspects.

So we had brunch together, at Hatched. I managed to get the car, & everything went fine (the eggs benny, nailcut, botanical gardens, and you driving us to yr home), until back at yr place. For one, I’m actually very pissed, angry & wronged…. you said/asked some things, which were as unexpected as they were groundless. What did I do on Friday? like seriously wtf you made it sound like i had something to confess or did smth wrong. which i don’t. I did nothing wrong and was speechless. We both said nothing for the longest time. whatever your gut feeling told you, it’s ridiculously wrong. I secretly cried tears of anger, and tried to stop while I hid my sadness from u. It really was painful, though you didn’t directly accuse, i could sense it from your words.

And all that happened right after we did it…… seriously? I just wanted to leave your place that moment. Maligned and hurt. Well my conscience is absolutely clear, but i didn’t even bother fighting back because it’s pointless. You judged me, based on your so-called gut feeling. you can think all you want, but this is the last straw for me.

You didn’t have to thank me for breakfast. I just thought there was something between us worth fighting for. Guess I was wrong, so terribly wrong. 

It has been almost 2 years since we broke up, a difficult and painful time (for me at least). I stayed truthful to my love for you. despite knowing that the only reason you’d want to meet up with me..was that. I never accepted anyone or dated anyone else. I have loved you, always have, until now… 

I shall jog away the pain& tears,for this is not what I deserve. anymore.

It is difficult to let go, but it is even harder to hold on… as the days go by. Perhaps you’ve given up on us ages ago. Just gotta be honored that I held on for this long. You can probably think of it as the sweetest revenge you ever had. The only consolation is that maybe you cared enough to be having those thoughts.

Good bye, for good.

Because they say true lovers can never be just friends. I guess they were right about that.

Just so you know..

The beginning of the end.

Thoughts which I pen down as and when, in my phone.

February 2012-

I would have delivered the shortbread to u, but i shouldn’t and i didn’t. Because you’re not mine.

There’s so much I wish to say to you,but it probably don’t matter to you.for you’re busy with your own life. i should get busy too. Why do i think of you. I wanted to tell you that I want a hug, drink, do things, eat and hang out with you. I still do, and idk why. I wanted to know how was BR, how’s life, how’s your quiz. but you couldn’t even care to reply. 

Flashbacks; that hug at seletar dam. I wonder if it ever crossed your mind. I remember i saw tears in your eyes, that night..

I want you to want me. Don’t you look at our photos? They’re beautiful too…

29th February 2012:

It’s the leap year again. It’s been 4 years… Are you tt busy or are you ignoring me. A part of me dies everytime i see you online in whatsapp but you never replied me. i rather not know.

I would have gone all the way to NTU to deliver the chocolate tart, but again…you’ll never appreciate what i would do for you..

I want you to cut my nails… & you did. I felt bliss during those moments, those flitting moments. i’m so silly, you’re so crazy. your crazy idea. you know my weakness… you are :( I wonder if i’m the only one for you. I wonder if you feel anything like I do when I look at you. I can’t change that. I only know i’m happy when you’re by my side. I got that hug i wanted. Hope you like my chocolate tart. why is it so hard for me to forget. 

I keep telling myself that you were not using me. that you have that slightest feeling, emotion left for me. but it’s hard. and getting harder.

Buff or not, I like you all the same. You said i’m pretty, but looks don’t matter. You said you’re not using me, then what? I can’t do this forever..Why do I feel so much pain. I need to move on. you’re not helping. i’m not helping.

Why do i care so much? about you not having lunch… when you don’t bother that i’m not having dinner.

Nailcuts; they are not just excuses to see you, but i really do like cutting your nails. and you cutting mine. I want to be the only one who cut your nails. I can only wish :(

My heart skipped a beat when you messaged “tgif(:” For some reason… but you didn’t say more. 

Sigh just read some of your letters to me. one particular never fails to make me tear.. “knowing that i can never find that feeling with anyone, but you, j****”

18th March 2012:

And i cut your nails again. Thought you’d never ask. & i gave you my chiffon cake. we went to bishan park, then lowerpierce for you needed the toilet. Cut your nails under a dimly lit bench facing the reservoir. It was romantic, to me at least. And when you pulled me in to kiss you, my guard was down. clearly we’re still attracted to each other. we then drove back to bishan park, saw others making out in the cars. i knew what was on your mind the whole time. I don’t know if i should feel hurt. i really didn’t want to, but gave in in the end. sucha fool, fool for you. you know it… i only wanted to hold your hand. only yours. and i wondered if it was the same for you. You didn’t answer me, & i was left wondering if you held others like you did with me. who am i to you? what am i to you?

But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember.

19th March 2012:

Read my little diary notes I wrote during JC days. omg i really was super infatuated with you. I don’t know to laugh or to cry. It’s unbelievable. Since June 2006, that’s close to 6 years, and i still am crazy over you. or so i thought? :( Our very first movie tgt, first photo tgt (bra & panty)..i will never forget. so much i want to tell you, but it’s pointless now.

My heart died when i saw photos of you i wished i never did see…”I’m not like you”, you said. So that’s how you think i am still? so that’s why you wanted me to cut your nails? it’s all the same…. you are no different from me, in that case. 

Just tell me you’re using me and i’ll walk away. Why do i hold on when you don’t care the least bit. i can’t sleep and it’s been 3 hours. Intermittent crying. i tried not to think, to clear my thoughts, but it’s just so so hard :’(

20th March 2012:

Didn’t sleep much the whole night. strangely i’m awake in the morning, albeit half dead in the soul. Doubt you’ll reply my question. My heart ached (literally) for the whole of today… and you go on to say “wat u wan, i can’t give u”. What is it i want? I don’t even know myself. I just need to sleep through it. I didn’t eat lunch nor dinner today. I feel sick, depressed and pathetic. Why should i let you screw me this way?

21st March 2012:

I’ve rejected 4 guys so far, and i can’t say it’s not because of you. but because i’m  genuinely not interested. you don’t get it… was tempted to reply your “wat u wan, i can’t give” message with “but wat u wan, i can give u” but i didn’t. you’ve made up your mind long ago, and nothing that i do will probably change it. If it has to end this way, i will be strong, lead a life for myself and you’ll look at me and wonder why you even let us go. At least i have no regrets that i never stopped trying to salvage what we had. Last kiss, last hug, last nailcut, last everything… I never thought that was it. But now that I see how everything changes, I see how you’ve given up on trying, so long ago.

This love was hard to come by… and it’ll be harder to let go (for me). Just days ago I was imagining how happy we’d be if we were together. but it was just a figment of my imagination. Everything is just so unforgettable. 

To the drinking session that never happened, brunch at Riders, nailcuts that will be missed, I bid good bye. ECP macs, a place that’s filled with memories of us. I do wonder if you remember any. But i need to stop wondering.

23rd March 2012:

Went to Bishan park for a jog in the late morning. I like the newly renovated park, the open concept, and the closeness to nature. & i found a toilet there….it’s a nice and clean one, with shower facilities. But too bad.. I thought of you, us, the times we jogged there and how the place never seemed to change much at all despite the revamp. The path, the route, the person. I’m going to bake tiramisu today. I remember how you love eating good tiramisu, and the heart-shaped one i made for you…and how we sat along seletar dam, feeding each other the yummy cake. And today i also went to the the dentist for cleaning. I remember you were the first to see me braces-less, the movie ‘date’, you looking at my teeth and wanting to kiss me. How can I forget.

26th March 2012:

Maybe if you had found someone new, and in love, i should be happy for you. I will learn to be… If that was really you, and those words meant nothing to you. I used to be pie.. now you’ve got ‘cutie pie’? :( 

27th March 2012: 

Wish you had tried my tiramisu.

30th March 2012:

And you did. with the rest of the 4/1 people. It was a fun gathering, with lots of memories when we all went back to our alma mater. We acted as though nothing happend btwn us. My heart still twisting about everything. you’re going on exchange. your nails are long. i will not care, i must not. And i walked home alone, up the hill, feeling it. tears. i wondered if you like my tiramisu. i wondered if you thought of me. i need to stop. maybe we need one last talk. or not… I cannot help the thoughts of you treating me like a plastic bag. you’re probably right; what i want you can’t give …. and that is your heart.

31st March 2012:

But then a message came frm you, telling me that my tiramisu was nice. I was shocked, and didn’t know what else to say but thank you. Really, thank you…it made a difference, it did.. Though not the best you’ve eaten, it’s ‘nice enough’, and i’m contented. Truth is, i wanted to say more, but was afraid.

1st April 2012:

Earth hour was last night. I remembered how we spent it 3 years ago, in my room. in total darkness.

2nd April 2012:

“Walk away. you’re worth more than he’ll ever realise. baby walk away, spare yourself this pain” Same old song haunting me. If i were to die suddenly, i wish you knew, that i had always loved you.

3rd April 2012:

Found out you’ve a Twitter account. you probably knew I had one too.. I gotta pick myself up. My nails are long :(

4th April 2012: 

My current client’s office is at Fortune centre, near the temple your family visits, and sunshine plaza. and illuma. remember that first time we went there together. i need to get you out of my mind.

6th April 2012: 

Made some successful chocolate macarons today, and really happy with them. I have the cutest mum ever, who’s so amused at her first eye-sight check. 

7th April 2012: 

Wanted you to try my macarons; everyone said they were really good. But i guess it’s pointless. Gave to some of my friends, which reminded me of how good it feels to do nice things for people. Giving is receiving in so many ways. 

12th April 2012: 

You crossed my mind, always have, but I can’t do a thing about it.

14th April 2012: 

We met, for you to return my containers, and for supper. xin wang at northpoint. we talked, like good friends chatting over a meal. and it was nice.. End of the day, while we may be physically closer than friends should be, I got reminded of how i enjoy being by your side, even the silence was comforting. Just laying on the bench by the pool side, it’s as simple as that. the way we touch, the way we fit seamlessly into each other’s arms, without a care in the world. I guess that was enough. i’m glad i saw you. don’t know how else to say, maybe it was all just a dream. but if felt very real. maybe you felt it too…when there was me and you. let it stay this way. I’ll miss you too. 

15th April 2012: 

You called me out to drink, and chill. Honestly i didn’t feel like going out because i was exhausted from the run earlier. but you said we were coming down even before i could reply… perhaps a part of me knew why you really wanted to meet me. and that was why i resisted meeting at bishan park with drinks, or even at my place. So we went to liquid kitchen. I had a corona,while you had a sex on the beach. all was fine, until you said you needed to use the toilet at my house. I kept telling myself that you should be gone after the toilet and nothing should happen. But my heart is weak and I failed. I asked what do you treat me as, and your answer left me feeling like a fool. “a person you chill with”? I asked you if you loved me, you ignored. I guess it’s true…maybe i had always known it’s true. You don’t feel a thing for me, and you never wanted me, without my body. I asked if you’ve a gf. but you never bothered asking about me. 

What we did, it isn’t called moving on. Neither is it just chilling….. If that is your idea of chilling with someone, I have nothing else to say.

“Don’t make someone a priority if he only makes you an option” I guess i was your option.

17th April 2012: 

I gotta smile because I deserve to. Hope you’re studying hard and well.

19th April 2012: 

Wanted to wish you all the best for your exams. But i didn’t.

21st April 2012: 

Going back to office to work again on a Saturday :( ah shall stay positive. I miss you, hanging out, shopping, doing nothing together. I miss doing nice things for you. Times like these I feel really alone. So lost. But i know i can be stronger than that. I’ve got to be.

23rd April 2012: 

Tired and depressed. I guess it’s true, you only will contact me when you want it. 

26th April 2012: 

My current client’s office is at woodlands, which means i’ll be passing my your place everyday for the next few weeks. Khatib. Thought about the kiss on my forehead, bottletree, where we’d meet on Sunday nights to cut your nails. You were good for me, then…

27th April 2012: 

Then you hinted me to cut your nails. I could guess what it was all about. It breaks my heart, yet i just miss you so. Tell me what can i do?

29th April 2012: 

Drove to your place, just to cut your nails. Don’t know why I did. that kiss? Lazing on the bench by the poolside under the moonlight. I wished you actually felt something more. We could have had it all. Everytime I cut your nails I feel a certain kind of sadness, knowing that it might be the last time. and you (& I) will move on soon.

30th April 2012: 

you said you don’t miss studying with me. Somehow i felt sadder than ever. Might be that you have someone else already. you looked like you had smth to hide in your phone. I saw her name. Why then did you kiss me? Why.

I don’t know if you watch the 9pm show, but I learnt quite abit and cried a lot watching it. They say the highest level of love is to forgive and forget. are you still bearing that grudge? will you ever forgive me? No point having those thoughts and questions, when i’m really too afraid to ask. I’m afraid of losing you for good.

1st May 2012: 

It’s May already. I drove to your place to swim. it shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t even have gone. It’s just so easy for you.

2nd May 2012: 

your words were cold and flat. when will i give up? when will all these stop? will they only cease when you found yourself another girl? I would’ve been crestfallen, but maybe it was all part of your sweet revenge. maybe then you would forgive. maybe then i’d learn to hate you. and walk away.

4th May 2012: 

In a mess. “Love is never gone, as we travel on.. We did what we had to do. Won’t forget, can’t regret, what I did for love”

I miss late night movies with you, and how we would walk home together from AMKhub, passing through the park, holding hands.

7th May 2012: 

Just found out that you’re overseas. Wish i were there. Wish you wished i were there.

13th May 2012: 

I baked my first entremet, a layered cake for mothers day. And it was really successful.

14th May 2012: 

Met you to pass the cake. You said it was really good..and i listened to you present yr insurance talk. you’re cute when you speak that way. wanted to kiss you since you started. PDA-ed at the carpark. Somehow i felt uneasy after that. Then when i asked about lunching together since you were having ur internship, you said it’s hard to meet because there’re a lot of people around. I guess you’re still ashamed of being seen with me. why?

16th May 2012: 

I wonder what is it you forgot to pass to me. I wonder why did you even want to meet me. and it always happens at night. what is there to hide? I feel terrible now…Do you even care about me one bit. I will not start. this is enough.

18th May 2012: 

Everyone is talking about their gf/bf, about buying BTO flat. zzz. Maybe it’s time I realise i will never be in your heart again. a part of me just wished you cared.

I should probably pen down my thoughts.

In case….I die young.

In case…you never knew.

weary

i miss…you.

so many things i kept inside me.

so many memories. busyness these few weeks have left me feeling empty & even depressed at times.

i wish you’d want me back… but a wish is only a wish.

too.

you probably never will read the diary I made… 

because you’re afraid to.

It was a lot of effort. pity…

ZzZzz